Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too

   I would learn how to backflip but i’m saving spinal injuries for after i’m 60

   Thinking about the time I bought 90s CDs in goodwill, only to come out to my car and realize I don’t even have a CD player…

   I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.

   Yeah. It's OK for you to call my pets "Fur Babies" but if I call your kid a "Skin Dog" you get angry.

   Jeffrey Dahmer's bologna had a first name , it was Steven !

   You know you are working too hard when you go to make a call from your home telephone and first dial 9.

   Spotted a house tonight with their Christmas lights already up in October and can only imagine that they work for Walmart.

   Don't let a gerbil talk you into anything you don't want to do

   Dear YouTube: Just because I watched one video on how to change the oil in my car does not mean I want to watch a thousand other videos just like it. -Me

   Find a girl that takes care of you, like the press takes care of Joe Biden.

   I get my exercise by pushing the limits of those around me.

   Talking to some people is as frustrating as trying to eat applesauce with chopsticks.

   Why bother drinking water? You're just gonna pee it out. This is what Big Water doesn't want you to know.

   Great job keeping crap out of my eye, eyelash that's currently in my eye.

   Some of your behaviour is completely embarrassing but highly entertaining. Carry on.

   If she farts in front of your parents repeatedly just for the reaction then she's a keeper.

   My congressman just wrote to tell me if I don't re-elect him, whatever-scares-me-most will probably happen. Send money.

   Give your tweets a CB radio feel by adding the word, over at the end. Over.

   I just threw a rock at a guy who was getting Subway breakfast. He understood why.