Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Mansplaining is a correctile dysfunction.

   Johnny Depp gets 15 million dollars for being with a nut job. And all these years I've been doing it for free!

   Caller ID isn’t enough for me. I need to know why you’re calling.

   If your lady wants something with diamonds in it, get her a deck of cards. Follow me for more relationship advice.

   Heads up guys, there are some real weirdos in this group. Someone messaged me to meet them in the woods for a naked Satanic ritual and then they didn’t even show up.

   Dating in 2022 be like: Find someone who also can’t afford rent alone. It won’t be hard.

   If we removed all laws, the crime rate would be 0%.

   Dear autocorrect: It’s never “duck.”

   If we had just let them eat Tide Pods, none of this dumb stuff would be happening right now.

   How would you describe college? I’m teaching myself a class that I’m paying for.

   I fear that one day, I’ll see one of my jokes marked as “Exhibit A.”

   If you can’t hide a crime scene, just pretend you’re a victim.

   If money doesn’t grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

   You only live once, so make sure you spend 16 hours a day on the internet desperately seeking validation from complete strangers.

   IQ Test: To see results, enter your credit card number.

   64 year old man: Making love to a younger woman may be fatal…. But if she dies, she dies.

   If they can get their student loans forgiven, then I want my car loan forgiven. All loans matter.

   Her: You’re so childish, I’m leaving you. Him: Good luck with that, the floor is lava.

   Dating is a great way remind yourself that dying alone isn’t that bad.

   Her: Wtf? You barely lasted two minutes! Him: It was “Doggy Style.” So that’s like 14 minutes.