Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Librarian: Sorry for the inconvenience, Sir. We’re in the process of moving our entire Conspiracy Theory Collection into our Non-Fiction Section.

   Sir, we don’t sell guns here. Can I interest you in one of our various cordless hole punchers?

   Separating your laundry by color is a myth created by big detergent to sell more laundry sauce.

   Welcome to McBrandon’s…. Would you like some lies with that?

   I can’t get out of bed. These blankets have accepted me as one of their own, and if I get up now, I’m afraid I’ll lose their trust.

   No matter how hard you work, your boss will always arrive while you are taking a break.

   Doctor: I have your test results. Patient: Did I pass? Doctor: You will soon.

   When I’m behind a slow car, I steer my car a little to the right so people behind me can see that it’s not my fault.

   Sorry I sprayed WD-40 in your mouth, but it did stop that noise you were making.

   When people talk about traveling to the past, they worry about radically changing the present by doing something small, but no one in the present thinks that they can change the future by doing something small.

   Jurassic World is about a pharma company that uses a DNA-altering pathogen to destroy farmland and deliberately cause a worldwide food crisis to force everyone to buy their products. Science Fiction is Fun!

   If an adult has ever said “you’d make a great lawyer,” what they really meant was, that they think that you’re an “a” double dollar sign.

   Did You Know: The internet was once a fun place for watching car crash videos instead of monitoring humanity’s real-time collapse.

   Trying to add up the media’s stories for today and it came to 5317. Now, flip your calculator upside-down and read it.

   A licking machine built a Purdue University takes on average 364 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Roll Pop. Random Mom: Where does one buy said machine? Asking for a friend.

   Just because you’re driving 5 miles an hour over the speed limit does not mean that you can drive in the left lane. Some of us are trying to break the law for real.

   These last few years have felt like being tied to a chair and watching a toddler play with a loaded pistol.

   “Just be yourself, say something nice.” Me: Which one? I can’t do both.

   So, the legend goes… that the “M” from MTV, used to stand for music.

   For those wondering if walls work, they do, I went to china, didnt see one Mexican