Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in line, loudly, at amusement parks

   1990: call me on the new line in my room 2000: call me on my mobile flip phone 2015: don't call me

   My wife was asking me about some divorcé papers or something. I don't know, it must be French.

   In my defense your honor. She enjoyed the time she spent in my basement.

   Can we make the Presidential election about the issues and not wives and peter size?? Everyone, probably.

   You definitely can't photoshop your ugly personality

   Kiss me I'm Irish, put a little tongue in it, I'm French too

   One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.

   I cannot wait to interrupt Kanye West's eulogy.

   " No way....?!?! I majored in liberal arts too...!!! Btw....would you like fries with that.....???"

   What's the difference between a puppy and a liberal? A puppy will eventually open its eyes and stop whining.

   My favorite holiday is, National Egg Salad Lunch Monday. . .

   Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream wants to make a flavor inspired by Bernie Sanders. Whatever flavor it winds up being we know Bernie will hate it for being too rich..........

   Bernie Sanders announced that he loves selfies. He just hasn't figured out how to take them on his rotary phone.......

   Cruz had 5 mistresses? Were they alive?

   I used my removable shower head to wash under my beard, so I get it girls. I get it.

   it just me or would Bernie Sanders sound a lot smarter if we surgically fused his mouth to a kazoo...???

   Progressives are so used to f---ing everything up they need their own insurance company......

   I just spent hours connecting all of my watches together to make a belt. It was a complete waist of time.

   Dear Yahoo: I've never heard anyone say "I don't know. Let's Yahoo it." Just sayin'. Sincerely yours, Google