Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Your very existence goes against our community standards. ~ Zuck

   It’s time for the 99% of us who are not offended by everything to quit catering to the 1% who are.

   I love when people ask, “How’s a person like you single?” I’m mentally ill.

   When someone is driving like a jerk, so you look to see how dumb they really look.

   I thought Row vs. Wade was Washington's decision when he reached the Delaware.(too soon)?

   Don’t let anyone ruin your day. Be a man, ruin it yourself.

   My girlfriend and I just had an entire conversation about hair bands before she realized I was talking about Motley Crue and she was talking about scrunchies.

   I was taught to think before I act, so if I smack the crap out of you, rest assured that I’ve thought about it, and I feel confident in my decision.

   Anyone can have a wank under a sheet, but it takes skill to do it without the hairdresser noticing.

   I have a crush on 28 of you, figure it out.

   There are two kinds of people, the ones who pack six days before a trip, and the ones who wake up the day of and realize they need to do a load of laundry, and then they marry each other.

   Keep your relationship fresh by writing each other love notes like, “I considered murdering you whilst ye slumbered in yon bedchambers.”

   Someone just gave me half a peace sign, that’s weird.

   Mexican word of the day: Bodywash. “No bodywash CNN because they’re fake news.”

   A mistake that makes you humble is better than an achievement that makes you arrogant.

   Just like our bodies, our minds need exercise. That's why I think of jogging every morning...

   A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.

   The only intelligent tactical response to life’s horrors, is to laugh defiantly at it.

   Pretty sure we’re at that point in the game where everyone just rolls the dice in quiet disgust while waiting to be completely wiped out.

   There is only one way to avoid criticism: Say nothing, do nothing, and be nothing.