Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Dear anonymous teenager in Starbucks ... If your first phone cost more than your parents' first car, your life probably doesn't suck as much as you think.

   Mexico. I need to decide what outfit best says: "My family won't pay the ransom."

   Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a great way to get a whole row to yourself at the movies.

   I guess one of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, "Who ate my kale?"

   just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.

   If I can hear you chew I have fantasized about your death.

   Nothing says "I love you" like my cat aggressively bathing itself immediately after I pet her.

   I wish anger burned more calories.

   Alarm system? Yeah right. I'll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.

   You will NEVER see a person with Tourette's syndrome on the bomb squad.

   Congrats to Martin Shkreli on a SOLID start to his 2028 GOP Presidential Nomination run!!!

   My five year plan is that hopefully I'll be dead within the next five years...

   Nice to see all the guys who've dumped me 2-3 weeks into us dating be able to make such a strong commitment to Bernie Sanders.

   American Idol is now officially done. The men's leather cuff bracelet industry will collapse.

   To clear the air: I didn't get kicked out of the pet shop for telling a bird to "suck my genitals." I was trying to teach the parrot to say it.

   If you work really hard and never give up, some perverted unrecognizable version of your dreams will come true.

   I'm so afraid one of these laws will eventually be passed in a state that a gay person would actually want to set foot in.

   One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I've said since then has been sarcastic.

   My biggest spiritual accomplishment is that I'm voting for Bernie but am still capable of talking to a Hillary supporter like a human being.

   I just assume a woman originally created fire because she was trying to scare away some prehistoric fuckboy who couldn't take a hint.