Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I tried to throw a yo-yo away. It was impossible.

   I'll see your passive aggressive Facebook status and I'll raise you... one finger.

   n't it great to live in the 21st century? Where deleting history has become more important than making it.

   I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller. Apparently "A meal for two with a hairy view" is not the way to call number 69.

   "I wasn't that drunk!".... "Dude, you were asking my cat about the weather!"

   Women should not have children after 35 . . . Well what I really mean is . . . 35 children are enough!

   Aren't drug dealers just street pharmacists and prostitutes just public wives?

   Pretty sure the lead actress from 'Precious' has a twin sister who works at every Wendy's I've ever been to...

   Dear America, feel free to use me whenever you want. Sincerely, common sense.

   If I ever get arrested and I'm allowed one phone call....I'm calling a locksmith.

   What is the Biggest Benefit of having a crush in the same college where you study? . . . . 100% Attendance...

   Cryogenics is nothing new. My landlord has been freezing our bodies every winter for years.

   When I met you, I got this tingling sensation. Then I realized my phone was on vibrate.

   The nice thing about being single is I'm always there when I need me.

   Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people... But others have no imagination whatsoever.

   This twit looked at my beer belly and sarcastically said, "Is that Heinken or Millers?" I said, " There’s a tap underneath, taste it".

   FACT - For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

   Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even when you wish they were.

   I was going through a tough time ..... then I opened my eyes .... then there was you :-)

   I had a dream last night that I was a kid and my big and middle toes were missing. I yelled for my mom and told her. She said, "Don't worry about it. I'm pretty sure one went to market and the other one's having roast beef."