Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   They give you a poker chip when you reach 6 months clean in Gambler's Anonymous.

   When I want to trim down my friend's Facebook list I give my opinion and let nature do the rest.

   Canadian Birthday Traditions: Apologizing for the candles being so hot.

   Here's hoping Kanye's next surprise cancellation will be "Keeping Up with the Kardashians."

   Here's hopeing Kanye's next surprise cancellation will be "Keeping Up with the Kardashians."

   I'd give my wife my coat if she's cold but I'll take it back if I become cold and maybe she'll be prepared next time we go out.

   Your popularity in High School will translate well into the real world!!!

   Pro Tip: Apparently, 20 minutes is "too soon" to tell the new employee that the company is a godawful living hell of misery and despair.

   I'd like to congratulate Hillary Clinton on clinching the Democratic nomination. Does anyone have her personal email address?

   Ever get the feeling that stuffed animals are only silent because they're judging you?

   I had assumed Netflix's The Do-Over was about Adam Sandler traveling back in time to fix his career. I was wrong.

   I need to stop lying to my therapist. I also just need to stop lying. I don't have a therapist.

   Mind of a 21 year old man, body of a 45 year old lesbian...

   Why does Victoria Beckham call them boobs and not a Spice Rack?

   In heaven, if you get angel hair for dinner the manager comps your meal and apologizes repeatedly.

   All of those movies that had a black President in charge of America at the end of the world were wrong. Turns out it will be an orange one.

   A lady would text you at 8:10 and expect you to text back at 8:09

   Crib instructions should come with a warning that you may end up divorced before assembly is complete.

   Here's another way to pi$$ off a liberal.. tell them to obey the immigration laws. . .

   Oh you're voting for Hillarious Clinton the crook. I am not saying you're stupid, but voting for her only proves you are. . .