Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   According to The Prophecy, today is my Hot Mess day.

   just found out that Major Lazer is a group not an individual. for how long were you guys planning on keeping this a secret? how long?

   I now hold it in my hands. Finally. The expressed written consent of the National Football League.

   I saw a science show on how we're merely energy sources who come back as other energies in subsequent lives. I can see it now, I'll be a 9 volt battery in a transistor radio from the 60's tuned to an Elvis only station.

   For some people freedom is like spring animals seeing the light.

   God grant me the serenity to accept the terms and conditions I will not read.

   Just saw a guy with a Support Dyslexia bumper sticker on the front of his car.

   My favorite Greek philosopher was Tentacles. His work just grabs me, ya know?

   In Greek mythology, the half-man half-horse creature would gallop around and shout obscenities so that he could be the centaur of attention.

   My phone has better health insurance than I do.

   I don’t wish there were more hours in the day, but I could use a few more at night.

   Found out today you cannot join a gym "just to watch".

   I want an app to mute nearby people.

   All my 5yo does is pretend to be a horse galloping around and insists I pretend she's a horse. Well, today she broke her leg.

   The only time I've ever on time to anything is when I'm dropping my kids off to be watched by somebody else.

   My chore list is cleverly disguised as a Home Depot gift card again this Father's Day.

   Finally told my parents they’re gay.

   Whats the best thing about babies? MAKING EM!

   If at first you DO succeed, try not to look astonished!

   If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again; it was probably worth it!