Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   OK, You're telling me you're not a slut ..... So ... Does that mean you are some kind of volunteer prostitute or something?

   If Republicans didn't insist on upholding their "Proud Tradition of Failure to do their JOB" ... Perhaps this country wouldn't be in such a sad state of affairs. They were elected to do one thing then proceeded to do another ..... SHEESH

   Yes it is true that women give us solace, But if it were not for women we would never need solace.

   Tip for Pokemon Go players. I just left a Squirtle and a Blastoise in the mall bathroom.

   Nintendo has gotten more kids off the couch in 2 days than Michelle Obama has in 8 years.

   I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant. Related: I've got some balloons for sale.

   The FIRST Rule of Marriage Club is .... She's ALWAYS Right.

   I'm not worried about Werewolves, Vampires, Zombies or Haunted Hotels .... I'm worried about what real Human Beings will do to other Human Beings.

   obviously I'm against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor... it's pure gold

   if you hitchhike make sure to use your thumb correctly or people might think you're just congratulating them on their excellent driving

   Ah, my youth: We sang praises to our processed meat products. Bologna had a first name. We all wished to be wieners. It was a gentler age.

   I may not be the brightest crayon in the tool shed but at least I'm great at analogies.

   The way a dog that doesn't play fetch looks at a thrown ball—that's how I feel about everything.

   CarefreeBlackKids2k16 offers both heated arguments with friends and figuring out how the dog filter works on Snapchat. Great way to unite America!

   My desire to be well-informed during this presidential election is currently at odds with my desire to remain sane.

   Your credit history may be a determining factor when applying for a loan or to be a future Trump supporter.

   First Child: Top-of-the-line diaper bag filled with everything he'll need until college.

   Second Child: Used diaper bag filled with enough basic essentials for the day.

   Third Child: Plastic grocery bag filled with one diaper, a half eaten cracker, and a flask.

   Among those in attendance at Lin-Manuel Miranda's final "Hamilton" performance were U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry, Jennifer Lopez, Jane Fonda, Rosie O'Donnell, Spike Lee and Mariska Hargitay. Too bad Alexander Hamilton missed the last performance.