Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.

   You know you're old when you think "pokemon" is a gay rastafarian

   Flipping past the Bachelorette and immediately was texted by CVS letting me know my Valtrex prescription was filled.

   Bernie Sanders endorcing Hillary Clinton feels so much like when the girl you love starts dating the guy you hate most.

   Now I'm worried there's a Pokemon somewhere in my bedroom laughing at me naked.

   Lies I've Told A Lot: I acknowledge that I have read and agree to the above terms and conditions.

   I don't understand Pokemon Go AT ALL which I guess officially makes me middle-age.

   I can't wait to see who wins the 100-Yard Dash From A Zika Mosquito in the Rio Olympics.

   facebook doesn't allow breastfeeding photos

   Wonder if it would become a national tragedy if a Pokemon Go Character appeared in the middle of a busy freeway?

   My credit score is so bad I have started receiving pre-declined credit card offers!

   Donald Trump in 2008: "Well, I know Hillary Clinton and she'd make a good president or good vice president." Then why does Trump support corrupt people?

   Pres. Barack Obama arrives in Dallas where he is expected to deliver a highly personal and emotional speech at a memorial service for the 5 slain police officers. Obama will also find out who shot J.R. Ewing too.

   Being in Costco without family or friends is like being lost in a strange universe. Who am I going to share the poutine with?

   This morning I thanked the Starbucks barista and told him to have a magical day and the lady next to me waiting for coffee stared and said, "I could really use some magic today, could you wish me a magical day too?" Lady, sorry I am not a magician here...

   The economy sux so bad that, I am reciving per-declined credit offers in the mail...

   If you can't love the one you want, love someone who looks like them and just squint a lot

   You know those orange cones they put on the highway for you to knock down? I just beat my high score !

   Loving this new Hula-Hoop app

   Three kinds of Betty Crocker cake mix are being voluntarily recalled by General Mills over concerns they could be contaminated with E.coli. Now that's an exciting new cake flavor if you ask me.