Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hillary is working with her aids to beat Trump. Meanwhile, Bill is working with his doctors to beat A.I.D.S.

   Trump suggests that someone should shoot Hillary? There he goes trying to make America great again.

   Shoutout to the American voters for narrowing our options down to the jerk from 'The Apprentice' and the inspiration for 'House of Cards'

   IS relies on propaganda to recruit. Trump did the same with his 2nd Amendment remark!

   Hope Solo should have the "Shut the Hell Up" special for dinner tonight.

   My debit card isn't the only thing I wanna tap tonight.

   I haven't seen one medal awarded at the Olympics for participation.

   If you mean Elmer Fudd singing "Kill the Wabbit", then yes, I do like Opera.

   I'm going paperless at home but it's presenting a real problem in the bathroom.

   If I ask my mom to take a picture of me with my phone there is a 99% chance it will be a video of me yelling "It's the button on the left!"

   .... You're offended? ...... Well .... How does it feel to be so weak that words can hurt you?

   Han Solo is apparently quite distraught that his granddaughter Hope didn't stop that last shot.

   I hope the guy who invented speed bumps dies waiting on an ambulance.

   The night before the 1st day of school is just like Christmas Eve for parents

   It's so hot outside I attended a Hillary Clinton rally just to be next to something shady.

   The Democratic and Republican parties that we once knew no longer exist. Extremists to the left of me, control freaks to the right, here I am stuck in the middle with broads.

   "I was Country, when Country wasn't cool." Newsflash. It still isn't.

   Pity Donald Trump never considered building a wall around his trousers.

   Pre-marriage counseling should include putting up a tent together.

   The only reason to have pepper spray as defense against a bear is so you can spray it on yourself so the bear enjoys its meal....