Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   USPS tracking: 1. We’re not sure it exists yet 2. It’s arrived.

   A measles outbreak? Weird. You'd think in this day and age, they'd have invented something to protect against that.

   I met a woman outside the mall crying, she lost $200, so I gave her $40 from the $200 I found. When God blesses you must bless others.

   Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.

   I always arrive late at the office, but I make up for it by leaving early.

   A smile is a facelift that’s in everyone’s price range.

   I don’t believe in astrology; I’m a Sagittarius and we’re skeptical.

   If you want your children to listen, try talking softly to someone else.

   War is God’s way of teaching us geography.

   An alcoholic is someone you don’t like who drinks as much as you do.

   The best thing about the future is that it comes one day at a time.

   Better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak out and remove all doubt.

   A pessimist is a person who has had to listen to too many optimists.

   Would the last Baby Boomer to enter heaven please bring a copy of Abbey Road?

   This is a special status. Only people who are sex deprived can read this status.

   I'm holding cheerleader tryouts for my fantasy football team.

   Not sure if people stopped saying YOLO or if everyone who said it died.

   It's always best to fart when there's a baby on the bus. They ALWAYS get the blame.

   I hate using Drano. You're literally pouring $4.00 dollars down the drain.

   When will my neighbor's dog ever get the hint that my leg just wants to be friends?