Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Her: I want you to wreck my guts Me: *undercooks her chicken*

   Some mornings I just want to punch people in the face before they could even speak because I know they’ll definitely deserve it later in the day !!

   Lotto Max is up to a full tank of gas and a buggy load of groceries.

   People who think they know everything are a great annoyance to those of us who do.

   The surest sign that intelligent life exists elsewhere in the universe is that it has never tried to contact us.

   Marriage is the only war in which you sleep with the enemy.

   Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.

   All the things I really like to do are either immoral, illegal or fattening.

   Everyone with telekinetic powers, raise my hand.

   Education is learning what you didn’t even know you didn’t know.

   Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.

   If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.

   A day without laughter is a day wasted.

   Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?

   Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.

   My friend Ryan is getting his vasectomy reversed tomorrow...I'm planning to make a movie about it and call it Saving Ryan's Private

   My mother and I play a drinking game. We do a shot every time the debt talks collapse.

   Just sold a lawn mower on eBay. That will be the last time my neighbor wakes me up on a Sunday morning.

   Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job? Well....when they stopped putting Skittles in the damn break room vending machine.

   Monica Lewinsky was asked last night if this was Bill Clinton's best speech ever . She said, "Close but no cigar".