Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Things I hate: Gross pay - $2,257. Net pay - $1,138.

   "If you don't stop picking at that thing it'll never heal." -Sound medical advice or an insult to a banjo player

   Nothing brings neighbors together quite like cop cars in front of another neighbor's house.

   What do I do all day long? Sometimes, it takes me all day to get nothing done.

   The Hippo beat Grippo.

   Guys, when a woman is angry, just tell her she is overreacting. She'll realize you're right and then she'll calm right down.

   Wonders if it was Cliff and Claire Huxtable, who TF were The Cosby's?

   Mike Hunt is Tight and Juicy

   I'm going to quit my job and travel the world until I run out of money. I should be back home later tonight.

   I've just been for a job interview and the boss said, "Starting pay is $11.59 but after 6 months it goes up to $18.41. When do you want to start?" I said, "In 6 months!"

   please follow me on TikTok undeadanimation03

   follow me on tiktok goal is 10k

   i sent my ex coworker letters

   Marriage tip: Always keep your wife as the background picture on your phone. That way if you need some encouragement, you can look at her photo and say, "Man, if I can put up being married to her, I can get through anything.

   Dear Teenage Pop-Tart taking a picture of yourself wearing a bikini in your bathroom mirror: I do not want to be your friend. Please go away. (Does your mother know you do this?)

   Dear scammers, please stop flirting with all the people on their Facebook pages. We are all beautiful and charming and we do not want to be your friend. You are annoying!

   Why is it, even after I press one for English, I still can't understand the person who comes on the line?

   In terms of fractions, the football quarterback is more revered than the halfback or the fullback. Does that mean if there was an eighthback, he'd be considered Godlike?

   Her: pour some sugar on me Me: but there are bees out though

   Bono and Edge walk into a bar and the Bartender says " Oh No Not U2 Again ! "