Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Almost time to play my favorite Spring time game....'Guess how deep that pothole really is.'

   'We do not eat anything we find in the couch' is apparently something I have to say now.

   Hit a pothole so hard, Siri developed a stutter !

   That awkward moment when you see a commercial for "Designated Survivor" and wished it was reality.

   A guy just busted down my door and claimed to be a Bounty Hunter. I said, "You won't take me alive!" He looked at me as if I had two heads, then stole my paper towels.

   If you ever feel alone, just remember you can talk to the CIA using your phone or smart TV... #Vault7

   Dont blame me for you crazy issues! If you insist on sending me pics of your boobs please at least be a female!!

   Sneezing is like using sonar to find polite people.

   Its funny that people are upset with a gay character in a Disney movie but are perfectly fine with beastuality

   I'm boycotting beauty & the beast because of a teenage girl falling in love with a buffalo 💡

   Relationship status…just tried to reach for my cats paw & he pulled away so I pretended I was reaching for the remote

   Here's a thought...How do blind people know when to stop wiping?

   Fun Things to Cry Out during Sex : "Oooh" "Eeeh" "Oooh" "Ahhh, Ahhh" "Ting" "Tang" "Walla Walla Bing Bang"

   If a Jehovah's Witness dies and goes to heaven does God hide behind the Pearly Gates and pretend he's not home?

   Sometimes you have to suffer a little bit in your youth to motivate yourself to succeed in later life. If Bill Gates had got laid in high school, do you think there'd be a Microsoft?

   My wife was mad at me today so I put a cape on her and said, "There. Now you're SUPER mad."

   If I had a penny everytime that I thought about you, my pants would fall down.

   Abolish the department of education for failing and producing Paul Rand who wants to abolish the department of education.

   Should men care about women's rights? Before you answer, remember four important women in your life. Sister...Wife...Daughter...Mother...

   I was in the elevator.... I pressed number 1. The elevator said with an attitude: "You're going down." F#¥k you Otis