Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I told my wife I cleaned the kitchen. Apparently “cleared a walking path” doesn’t count.

   Whoever designed wet wipe packs where you pull one out and four come with it should have been put in charge of ATMs.

   I said I’d be ready in five minutes. That was more of a motivational phrase

   I don’t forget things. I remember them after they become urgent

   I told my wife I had a plan. She asked if it was written down. That felt aggressive

   Hey New York, your Knicks fan base is showing how garbage they and your city really is.

   I hate it when people say "Bite me", and then act all surprised when I do.

   I told my wife I'd fix it. She said "Today"? Didn't realize we were getting specific.

   My retirement plan is a fishing rod and nobody needing anything from me for 6 hours.

   Every husband believes one good weekend will get him caught up on everything.