Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I always carry a pebble with me to throw at people who sing Christmas songs in October. I call it my jingle bell rock.

   I think people on the road nowadays must know that I have psychic abilities able to read they're minds, especially when they don't use their blinkers.

   Fuel prices are so high that I went to the car dealership and test drove 3 cars to run my errands. Follow me for more money saving tips. 😎

   A lady in the grocery store asked me why some eggs were white, and some were brown. I told her the brown ones were whole wheat. 🤣

   I helped my neighbor out with something this morning and she said to me, "I could marry you". I couldn't believe it... You do something nice for someone and they threaten to ruin your life in return.

   If you put a carved pumpkin on your porch this early in the month just to watch it rot that's called, "premature ejackolantern."

   I took pregnancy while autistic so now I'm Tylenol.

   Ladies, you can tell a lot about a man by the way dogs react to him. For instance, if the police K9 is biting him, he may not be the one.

   Saw a homeless guy's sign that said "ONE DAY IT COULD BE YOU." So l kept my dollar... just in case he's right

   Nothing like a cross-dressing, h0m0, derivative, Spanish singing douche to perform at the SB halftime show