Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I love that I have a positive mental attitude. I'm positive. I'm mental. And I definitely have attitude.

   Marriage tip: Always keep your spouse as the center on your phone. That way, whenever you need some encouragement, you can look at your phone and say, "Man, if I can put up being married to this person for so long, I can get through anything".

   They say that the machines of the future will be as smart as people. Which people? It kind of matters.

   Marriage tip: Always let your wife know that you are all about fighting for women's rights. Especially the right to remain silent. There's no reason she needs to talk so much. It's not like appliances are voice activated.

   I can't wait to retire so I can get up at 6 and go drive around really slowly and make everyone late for work.

   Stop trying to please people that already don't like you. Instead embrace the idea of being the most annoying person in their lives.

   I have a question, can you contact me at aim-duque15@m.spheremail.net ? Cheers!

   Hello, I would like more information about this. Kind regards, aim-duque15@m.spheremail.net

   People need to stop putting flyers on my car. I don't want to see a band called "Parking Violation" at the "Courthouse".

   All I do is work, sleep, and eat. And I'm still broke, sleepy, and hungry.