Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.

   I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.

   I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey... But I turned myself around.

   I don't run from my problems. I sit on my couch, play on my phone and ignore them like everyone else does.

   My wife asked if I was busy. I said, "Not physically".

   Whoever said I can't cook probably hasn't tried my cereal yet.

   My wife said, “Are you going to do that today?” I said, “That’s one of the options.”

   Step one: Go to a drive-thru. Step two: Say "I'm sorry but I'm blind. Can you read the menu to me?" Step 3: See how long they'll read before realizing you can't drive if you're blind.

   I couldn't find a parking spot at work today... So I went home. Looks like they had enough people.

   The bank just called and gave me the biggest compliment, said my balance is outstanding. I really needed that today.