Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Damn, I drink too much. The last time I gave a urine sample it had an olive in it.

   I think I'm the only person left that doesn’t vape or own a pair of crocs..

   What train system connects Oyster Bay to Mussel Beach? Clamtrak.

   I bought a vintage Cadillac and developed a nasty cough. It was a Croup de Ville

   Buggs Bunny and Elmer Fudd break into a distillery. Buggs asks Elmer, “Is this whiskey?” Elmer replies, “Not as whiskey as wobbing a bank!”

   The Lone Ranger was camping with his sidekick when a windstorm blew their tent away. The Lone Ranger said, “Tonto, I have a feeling we’re not in canvas anymore.

   I bought a vinyl record yesterday called "Sounds Wasps make". When I got home and played it, I said to myself, “This doesn't sound anything like wasps." Then I realised, I was playing the bee side.

   I have an open door policy at our house. You bring beer and I'll open the door.

   I've ordered and returned the same boomerang on Amazon for over a year now.

   Why do we change positions when it’s the same hole? I don’t understand golf at all.