Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Seriously guys, I'm a virgin. No woman finds me attractive.

   Wives if your husband says something and you're not around to hear it is he still wrong?

   I know it’s rain but I hate when my coworker tell me how many inches they got last night.

   Husbands calm down are two words you should never say to your wife.

   Bad decision: Saying come in to a Jehovah Witness at your door.

   I don't care if our president lies all the time. As long as he's pushing of the Dems, that's the only thing I care about. I'm happy with that!

   Taking viagra for my sunburn.... Doesn't cure it but it keeps the sheets off of my legs at night!

   Confuius said "Never check the depth of water with both feet."

   "Autographed Lorena Bobbitt stake knive set for sale $19.95"

   Do not worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older it will avoid you.

   The smaller the town, the bigger the sex cult.

   We're all 60% water, so get off your high horse "aqua" man

   GIRLFRIEND: *Crying* My dog died! ME (who was only dating her because of her dog): So I have more bad news.

   "Hey! No fair! You cleaned the bathrooms last week! It's my turn!" said no one ever.

   Once I ate a whole banana, skin and all. I found it quite unappeeling.

   tonight my phone made this weird noise ive never heard before,so I googled it and apparently someone was trying to call me

   Bad decision: Believing we're from the government and we're here to help you.

   If killing them with kindness doesn't work, just kill them.

   Your Nano died? No biggie, just recharge it. Oh. You said "Nana", didn't you? Damn.

   I found a real money maker in selling homing pigeons....... So far this month I sold mine 4 times.