Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "DADDY NO!!! THE FLOOR IS LAVA!" ... *maintains eye contact.. *slides off couch onto floor.. *rolls around

   President Kennedy put a man on the moon and President Obama put a man in the ladies bathroom.

   Hey dude, Did you know your refrigerator running?... Yeah,, Because I don't like any of the current presidential candidates

   You know when you meet someone and you just know their phone screen is cracked without even seeing it?

   I put my phone in Airplane mode and now Leslie Nielsen won't leave until I promise to stop calling him Shirley

   When I lose a sock in the wash, I'll usually pour a little detergent out on the floor out of respect.

   My philosophy is if you haven't used something in over a year you should just throw it away, which is why my genitals are in the garbage

   Look on the bright side, your insomnia keeps most of the spiders out of your mouth.

   It's cute how Pepperidge Farms puts those paper cups between my cookies. lol,,, It doesn't even slow me down.

   My mom just wrote down a website in cursive. I feel like my whole world is falling apart.

   Where do dinosaurs fit in this bible story of yours Sir?

   Guy's lame excuse for not hanging out #473: I have to help my friend change his car oil

   dinosaurs were on the ark, Noah was smart enough to know you bring the babies, just bring a pink and a blue one....that part will be important later.

   Always look after your kids while visiting the Gorilla enclosure at the zoo, or the Gorilla will get shot....

   Pro Tip: The gorillas at the Cincinnati zoo do not offer babysitting services without being shot by the zoo staff.

   Cheated on my diet yesterday with a prettier, sluttier diet.

   Always surprised when people on Tiny House Hunters move in with their kids and there isn't a follow-up show called Tiny House Homicides.

   Based on how he reacts, you'd think my dog's entire family was killed by pizza delivery guys.

   I'm 30 years old and I've watched Frozen 18 times this week... For those of you out there thinking about having unprotected sex tonight...

   Never bring peanut butter to a rap battle.