Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   One day you will meet someone so amazing in every way who will want absolutely nothing to do with you.

   Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount....

   Nice Fitbit bro. I didn't realize that they had a model you can wear around your ankle.

   Global warming is caused by people being uncool.

   Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.

   Married sext: you were so good in bed last night... I didn't hear you snore once.

   "Hello, 911? Hi, I was just wondering: is it stop, drop, THEN roll? Cause my friend--STOP SCREAMING, I'M ASKING THEM"

   The GOP like war so much that they started a civil war within their own party.

   Both of these candidates belong behind bars. One in a zoo, the other in prison.

   When it comes to towel-heads, I am with Donald Trump. These barbarians should not be allowed in a civilized society. They just stabbed people in Germany today.

   If you are a man, no matter what you do or don't do, there will always be at least one woman somewhere on this planet who is angry with you for a reason you know not.

   Me: I don't know how to dance to this kind of music Beer: yes you do

   Due to the recent debate over public restrooms from this day forth, all the toilets in the kingdom shall be known as... Pats!

   Stephen King has been murder slaying Trump on Twitter since the "rabid coyote" descended the Trump Tower escalator in June.

   The stupidest, ugliest Presidential campaign in my entire life: House of Cards meets Sharknado...

   Donald Trump is the match and the GOP is the oil, let's burn this party down!!!

   I don't really know the difference between yoga pants & leggings and frankly, I don't care.

   I don't know about you but people make me want to say bad words.

   .... I'm so old that I actually remember a time when people used to know which restroom to use!! Ahhhhh .... Those were the days ....

   There's this one really stupid cop that's been following me around flashing his lights ..... Doesn't the idiot notice all of the other people on this road driving the wrong way!!!! ...... Sheeeeesh