Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Just did the Ancestry.com DNA swab....Now the cops want to talk with me!! #StalkersLife

   The older I get, the harder it is to hold in my sigh

   As your new car parallel-parks itself, use both hands to wave goodbye to pu$$y

   My favorite childhood memory is not having a job or bills to pay.

   Apparently "white privilege" doesn't include getting to pick out a koala and just take it home from the zoo.

   If I'm carrying a torch for you it's only because I want to set you on fire.

   You must be the Fat Pig to be so offened

   its funny how we all sleep differently. my roommate sleeps on their back. my ex sleeps with everyone. that sort of thing

   ''Breaking News ' Randy Travis was arrested at his home today for digging up BONES at a local cemetery

   I use white eggs, does that make me prejudice ?

   I use brown eggs occasionally, if I am going to egg someone's car. . .

   Yawning is your body's way of saying 20% battery remaining.

   Nice try, St. Patrick’s Day, but I don’t need a reason to drink.

   I think the only way I’ll ever be motivated to go to the gym is if I’m in prison.

   People ask me why I don’t have any tattoos and I respond with, would you put a bumper sticker on a Ferrari?

   I can cope with voices in my head but it is the voices outside my head that are going to drive me crazy.

   Your shadow is a confirmation that light has traveled nearly 93 million miles unobstructed, only to be deprived of reaching the ground in the final few feet thanks to you...

   In the future, imagine how many Go-Pros will be found buried under snow in the mountains containing the last moments of people's lives...

   Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...

   Since smart watches can now read your pulse, there should be a feature that erases your browser history if your heart stops beating...