Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I don't like who I am at buffets.

   [buying treadmill]... Me: Can I try it out first?... Salesperson: Sure... Me: (pulls out laundry basket and hangs wet clothes on it).. Hmmm, I like it.

   [At job interview] Interviewer: Do you have a police record?... Me: No. But I do have a few of their albums on cassette... *hires me instantly

   I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and I haven't pooped it out yet. Really scared now!

   Most college girls join a sorority....few earn the title of a US Marine.

   ....Smiling at someone that hates you because you're an a$$hole like that.

   Never trust people who talk to their pets in normal voices.

   There no room for BS in my life unless it's Burritos and Salsa.

   Jack Daniels gives you the courage to talk to attractive women, disables your genitals.

   My personal style is best described as "didn't expect to get out of the car."

   I made the mistake of asking Siri what women want....she has been talking non-stop for the last 3 days.

   Sorry kids, you're definitely not getting any inheritance. All that money went towards the booze I needed to put up with you.

   Loneliness is very dangerous. It's addicting. Once you see how peaceful it is, you don't want to deal with people while working at any gas station.

   My signature move is to bottle up my feelings over time and then combust over some small issue and get accused of being a psycho.

   Me laughing: I don't drink to get drunk, I drink to.....no wait, I definitely drink to get drunk.

   I've spent 83.2% of my adult life resetting my password.

   The amount of memes that relate to my life is becoming increasingly embarrassing.

   What's my type? Someone who's supportive. Someone who comforts me when I need them. Someone I can curl up and relax with. Oh great, I'm describing my bed again.

   Dear liver, the weekend is almost over, hang in there little one. Love you.

   Sundays: Kinda wanna workout, kinda wanna eat loaded cheese fries, kinda wanna nap for five days, kinda wanna get my life together by 2:39 pm on Thursday.