Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A wedding ring is the smallest handcuff ever made, choose your prison mate wisely.

   If you wife asks what would you do without me? "Live happily ever after," is not the correct answer.

   My wife got naked and asked me to "Show her a good time." So I showed her Facebook photos of me with my friends before we got married.

   Whenever a bird poops on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch, just to let them know what I'm capable of.

   How can you say Trump is like Hitler, did you fondle both of their genitals?

   Back in my day it was called daydreaming…not ADHD.

   You should always give your wine room to breathe. If you notice it's not breathing, place your lips on the bottle and administer mouth to mouth.

   My girl got naked and asked me to "Show her a good time." So I showed her Facebook pics of me with my friends the night before...

   Sometimes the wine glass is just a waste of time

   What if Samuel L. Jackson voiced a GPS? "Make a right turn at the next light, Motherf**ker!"

   That was the best news conference that Obama has ever held, about all the police officers shot recently. Said no one ever...

   Not feeling smart today? There are grown adults who actually believe that two penguins walked all the way from Antarctica to the Middle East to get aboard an ark built by a 500 year old man.

   It's very hard to make friends as an adult because once you're an adult you've realized you hate everyone.

   Nobody cleans a house faster than a man expecting to get laid.

   How To Have Rodeo Sex: 1. Mount girlfriend from behind. 2. Tell her you think her sister is HOT. 3. Hold on!

   City girls slip & slide, Country girls grip & ride....

   Science: Ruining everything since 1543.

   I hate when people take my glasses and say "Wow you can't really see." No way, I don't take a random person's wheelchair and say "Wow you really can't walk."

   14,000 people are having sex right now. 25,000 are kissing. 50,000 are hugging. And you....we'll you're reading this.

   Life should be more like ice hockey. When someone ticks you off, you can beat the living daylights out of them then sit in the Penalty Box for 5 minutes.