Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Everytime this post is liked, Kanye West gets kicked in the genitals.

   Bernie wii now feel the burn.

   By the time this is over Sanders won't know wheather to wind his watch or get a job.

   "Superdelagates" might as well be available on Stubhub.

   My performance with my wife last night was amazing. I lasted like 45 minutes!... Then I finally gave in and admitted she was right.

   .... You are entitled to NOTHING .... If you want something ..... Go out and EARN IT!!!!

   Five Things I Like Almost As Much As Driving My Boat: 1. Looking at my boat. 2. Talking about my boat. 3. Movies and TV shows with boats. 4. Websites with boats. 5. Bacon.

   Mornings were made for sleeping, wild sex, and bacon.

   Fathers: If you daughter asks you to carry her pink backpack and purse, you carry it....

   Sometimes poeple want to have full conversations in the morning, and it's ok to kill those people.

   Kinda want to text you, kinda what to block your number.

   Sometimes people want to have full conversations in the morning, and it's ok to kill those people.

   I gave up on life when I picked up this girls phone and saw my contact name as "Free Food".

   People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to shut up. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.

   Now that Valentines Day is now over, time to refocus on what's really important. Prepping your liver for St. Patrick's Day.

   If I owned a taser, I'd probably get curious to see how it feels and taser myself. That's why I don't have a taser.

   I'm in a good place right now. Not emotionally....just that I'm at the liquor store.

   I think my girlfriend might have a problem, I asked her to toast some bread for me. She said, "Here's to bread, may it always be in our stomachs" as she swigged another mouthful of wine.

   "How about we take this to my bedroom"....I whispered to my snacks.

   Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I'm seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.