Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I need a grub buddy. Kinda like a f*ck buddy, except when I hit you at 2 am you better be ready to stuff your face with me.

   If you say "Pumpkin Spice Latte" in the mirror 3 times....a white girl in yoga pants will appear and tell you all her favorite drinks at Starbucks.

   Coffee Shop Sign: Unattended children will be given double espressos and made wild promises about what Santa is bringing them.

   There are teenagers out there that are having unprotected sex but have indestructable cases for their phones. Let that sink in for a moment....

   New Condom Slogan: Wrap it in latex or she's gonna get your paychecks.

   I just shot my first turkey today....it sure scared the hell out of everyone in the frozen food section.

   There's no better karate instructor, than a spider web in your face.

   Bruce Lee doesn't drink water....he drinks wataaaa

   Date advice to women from a guy: Laughing makes you 100 times more attractive than makeup.

   I tried killing a spider with glitter body spray. Now it won't stop stripping and I have to call it "Cinnamon".

   Hockey is more enjoyable if you pretend they're fighting over the world's last Oreo.

   I'd like to feel as happy as an adult,, as I felt as a kid when the teacher wheeled in the tv during class

   You say I'm losing myself to alcohol like it's a bad thing.

   "Never let grass grow under your feet", not said by the first guy who went into the sod business.

   Sometimes, during the movie previews, I'll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, "We should really go see that together."

   My exercise regimen is basically just my heart rate elevating at an alarming level when I realize I'm out of beer.

   When I go in to kiss a girl, I always close my eyes. Ive just learned from experience, if my eyes are open, more pepper spray gets in them.

   Americans, fear not. If Donald Trump wins the upcoming U.S. election, Cape Breton Island is ready to welcome Americans looking for refuge in Canada.

   10 year olds these days running around with their iPhones... When I was 10, I was listening to Aqua on my Walkman while struggling to keep my 2 tamagotchis alive. The struggle was so real!

   My favorite things about kids is that I'm not responsible for any of them.