Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Basic Women Problem: When all of your friends are having babies and you're upgrading to $20 bottles of wine.

   Why do people wear pink camo? Perhaps they are hunting for flamingos.

   Ever Since the 80's , my little head has been affected with the "Seka Virus"

   Welcome to the first meeting of OCD Anonymous. We'll get started as soon as you STOP TURNING THE LIGHTS ON AND OFF, SUSAN!!

   I accidentally started this account when I was looking for a banana bread recipe and things have gone horribly wrong.

   I bet all those girls that ignored me in high school would still be pretty pleased with that decision.

   "My best years are still ahead of me," I say as I walk slowly up the stairs, knees crackling like a campfire.

   Dear Alcohol....... will you be my Valetine ?

   Growing up teachers always told me there was no such thing as a stupid question. Eight years in retail has determined that was a lie.

   This scale will only tell you the numerical value of your gravitational pull. It will not tell you how beautiful you are, how much your friends & family love you, or how amazing you are.

   Do country music artists know about better music?

   Yesterday a friend asked me if I would like to go on a Valentine's Day date, but when I asked her who it would be with and if I knew her she got all pissy and stormed off. Another day alone I guess, I just can't catch a break.

   Do pop music artists know about better music?

   The only thing I hate worse than holding my wife's purse is when it doesn't match what I'm wearing.

   .... OK .... Ya .... I'm a dude .... But I swear I'm not gay .... However .... I can't believe my Valentine's date is going to consist of cuddling up with a guy named Johnnie Walker and watching porn!

   US Surpreme Court Justice Scalia is dead, I certainly hope Obama nominates a Kardashian to the Supreme Court.

   I don't want to be famous. I just want to be "your death is trending" famous.

   Dear Girls: Happy Valentines Day!!! If a guy wants you to learn bodybuilding....it means you are the most important person is his life and he also needs a training partner.

   Valentines Day: You give me the kind of feeling people write sappy novels about.

   How single people will be celebrating Valentines Day: Sobbing, drinking alone, writing suicidal notes, calling their ex's, resenting happy couples, or enjoying every minute of not having to give a flying f*ck.