Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Men: I don't always scream like a little girl. But when I do, it's because my wife just put her cold, undead feet on my body.

   Fact: You wish Facebook had the middle finger button.

   My plan for today? Same as always: Drink coffee and be sexy.

   How To Prepare Tofu: Step 1. Throw it in the trash. Step 2. Grill some meat.

   For those of you not getting the V or the D, Happy alentines ay.

   Looking for a job in my sofa, bed and surrounding areas.

   ... So .... Hillary earned more delegates in NH than Bernie after she loses by a landslide ..... It's such sweet Irony ... when a Socialist has to give the delegates he earned away to the loser!

   .... If you had to choose between voting for Hillary and getting shot in the leg ...... What caliber would you ask for?

   This might be the worst online counseling site ever.

   Remember it didn't start with gas chambers, it started with politicians dividing the people with "us vs. them". It started with intolerance & hate speech and when people stopped caring, became desensitized and turned a blind eye. This is America in 2016.

   Cleaning with dogs in your house is like brushing your teeth with Oreos.

   If someone is bothering you with unnecessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 7 for $1 only

   Sad News to Report: The inventor of throat lozenges has died.... There'll be no coffin at his funeral.

   I find it ironic that Valentines Day is abbreviated as VD

   I nicknamed my urethra, Franklin.

   When writing the story of your life don't let everyone hold your pen...

   What People Care About In February: 99% -- Deadpool, 1% -- Valentines Day.

   Relationship Goals: Wanna come over and nap?

   Please Take Note: A Hogwarts degree isn't worth much in 2016.

   Women and Cats: I've never understood why women love cats. In other words, every quality that women hate in a man, they love in a cat.