Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Relationship Status: Hoping my street get plowed tomorrow.

   I think for next season's "Survivor" they should take 16 congressmen and make them get jobs in the private sector.

   I saw my Arab neighbor shaking a rug off his back porch. I called him out "Whatsamatter, Ahmed? It won't start?"

   There is no such thing as a stupid question, but there are such things as stupid people who ask questions.

   I guess Paul Ryan won't be cheering for my Relay for Life team...

   I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. All I use it for is to signal my dealer so he doesn't drive past

   I thought a vasectomy would keep my wife from getting pregnant but apparently it only changes the color of the baby.

   Old expression modification Notice . : .. In addition to netflix and chill, doing Coffee and Cream ;) Has been approved That is all .

   Undercover Boss: Where you tell the world your boss is a moron, then he buys you a house.

   I hope the lottery girl pulls out my balls tonight....

   Crap, only missed the Powerball by 6 numbers.

   I shared the status of the power ball winner. I won!!!!! Nothing....

   I just checked my account balance at an ATM and it printed me a coupon for ramen noodles.

   I knew I had about as much of a chance of hitting a lotto last night as getting up and running this morning. That's about the 0%.

   Revenge is a dish best served cold. Also beer. Which is why I always drink beer when I'm revenging.

   RIP Alan Rickman! By Grabthar's Hammer, you shall be avenged!

   Do strippers in the southern hemisphere spin around poles in the opposite direction as strippers in the northern hemisphere?

   My friend told me Alan Rickman had died. I said "You're joking?". She replied "Nope. Dead Sirius."

   I just went to print out last nights Powerball numbers to see if I won.... and it printed me a coupon for ramen noodles.

   Are physical events truly individuated on the basis of spatio-temporal localization, or is this merely a convenient ontological mode of evading the influence of causal powers?