Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I think these wireless headphones my wife gave me might be earmuffs.

   My mother in-law is letting me renovate her kitchen. My wife told me to get the cupboards from that Scandinavian company with the short name. Turns out it was IKEA not LEGO,

   Has gone from eating pigs in blankets, to becoming a pig in a blanket ! 🐷🐽🐷🐽🐷🐽

   I bet if cats could talk, they wouldn't.

   I couldn't help but notice everything wrong with you.

   I wonder if Donald Trump's cell phone has comb-over minutes

   If you say "Kanye" in the mirror three times, he appears, pushes you over and starts screaming his own name in the mirror.

   some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can't even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor

   A home invasion but it's just you staggering in drunk at 4AM because you can't find your keys

   "Wrong hole" is a matter of opinion

   At my age being called adorable feels a lot like a challenge.

   Nobody plans on being the weird kid. It just happens.

   This pepper spray feels like no really meant no

   Sure sex is great but have you ever stared at your phone all day?

   "Not sold in stores, available online only" just means "if you ever saw this in person, you'd never buy it."

   If you don't think size matters, I'm giving you the smallest coffee mug.

   I'm a licensed insultant

   Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.

   I heard you have trust issues. That's nice. Get in the damn van.

   My signature move is to watch you leave with someone else and then tell my friends I wasn't interested in you anyway.