Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Tomorrow's assignment: end every conversation with "Thank you for teaching me how to love again."

   I like using those "family restrooms" because everyone can sit on the toilet together.

   Diet status: Discovered that a Pringles can fits exactly into the cup holders of my truck today.

   I have nothing in common with people that think about work when they're at home. I don't even think about work when I'm there.

   Was asked to join the Optimist Club the other day but I just had this feeling that no good would come of it.

   Seems like we would be just fine with about half as many types of pasta

   Here is my panic room. Over there is my slightly anxious room, and next to the foyer is my complete mental breakdown room.

   While you're out partying, I'm playing Connect Four with Thin Mints, by myself. Who's the loser now? Not me I've won 5 sleeves times in a row.

   If you've ever seen a foal being born then you pretty much know what it looks like to watch me get out of a beach chair.

   I have no idea what swag is, but I'm fairly certain what I have is the opposite of whatever it is.

   People are really judgmental. I can tell just by looking at them.

   Being a baby seems fun. I mean aside from not being able to lift the weight of your own head. But the eating every 1-2 hours. That seems fun

   I hate when people don't know where "to" put quotation marks.

   The devil you know is better than the devil you don't. Unless the devil you know is Steve "Goat Hooves" Kapinski. That guy's the worst.

   Pretty sure you could "pull life support" from me just by turning off the a/c

   Bob didn't know the meaning of the word surrender. Nor could he spell it. Signing up for the Spelling Bee to meet girls had been a mistake.

   Finally woke up before the birds, gonna go scream at them.

   If you look closely at my 13.1 sticker, you can see a tiny asterisk leading to another sticker that says " *ft."

   Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near? I mean EVERY TIME! It's freakish and it can't really be safe.

   I dance like people wish they weren't watching.