Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My therapist recommended I quit growling at people...

   If I owned a theme park I’d name it Three Flags because I’d probably half-ass it..

   Same sex marriage? Hell, I know couples who would be happy with a SOME sex marriage

   Fox news lied to me. Gay marriage is legal and I haven't married my cousin or my pet.

   Last I checked, the Confederate flag turned white.

   WAKE UP America!!! Are we going to let five UNELECTED dentists decide whether or not we choose Trident?

   We're going to IKEA. I might get a Strömphümpclūmpër, if they haven't got any of those I'll just buy some Płürplöpš and a höööphükïnéll..

   Watching 50 Shades of Grey and O.M.G. My playroom Looks. Exactly. Like. That!

   FLASH floods are just regular floods except they show you their junk!

   Accompanied by girlfriend to a special screening of "Magic Mike XXL" last night. The nudity....The foul language.... The ladies screaming at the top of their lungs. And that was just me standing in line for popcorn....

   Will E.L. James' next book be called "Fifity Shades of Gay"?

   I'm old but not "Change to Channel 3 to play video games" old.

   Did you hear that? That was a g@y man farting without his butplug.

   The escalator at the gym is broken, this is BULlcrap.

   My ex told me to grow a pair of balls, but I'm growing petunias for my garden instead.

   Jesus had two dads and he seemed to turn on just fine.

   Now that you've won your right to marry, ya think we could get a couple colors back. I mean, the whole rainbow... seariously?!?!

   "Herrreee kitty, kitty, kitty" ~ Me, drunk, about to get bit by a raccoon.

   Two in the blue, one in the poo. ~ How to give Smurfette a shocker.

   "Drink Responsibly?".... LOL, Responsibility is WHY I drink.