Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   No thanks body wraps. If I thought magic would help me lose weight, I'd eat a wizard.

   My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml

   Star Wars (1977) An epic tale of a pair of gay robots teamed up with incestous siblings to help them destry their father's midlife crisis toy.

   "I've lost my marbles" ~ Bulimic Bulimic Hippos.

   When I was your age, I had to walk 5 feet from the coutch to the TV, on fluffy orange carpet, without texting, both ways.

   Some women wear so much makeup that it takes everything I have not to honk their nose.

   If you are having a bad day, just remember that someone from your home town is still trying to become a rapper.

   My U.S. citizneship was questioned because I wasn't out of breath after walking up a flight of staris.

   Dayum girl... Are you a microwave, because you are warming me up and I bet you've had a lot of wieners explode in you.

   "Cum with me if you want to Liv" ~ Arnold Schwazenegger having sex with Steven Tyler's daughter

   "I'll show you how moist I am if you eat me" ~ Brownies

   "Come on down!!!! You're the next contestant on the Rice is White" ~ Asian game show.

   Instead of a tatoo, just get a KISS t-shirt and wear it every day until you die.

   I don't know what part of donating blood I like more, the free cookies or that I can get drunk faster afterwords.

   To save money, instead of going out to clubs, I just get drunk at home and yell "What?!?!?!" into a mirror over and over.

   I called this family meeting because our DVR isn't big enough to hold 32 episodes of Micky Mouse Clubhouse and 8 soft core lesbo Cinemax movies.

   I bet acting like azzholes on the Internet all day wasn't where most of us visioned our lives to be right now.

   Laughter is the best medicine. Unless you have herpies. Then laugh all you want, but you'll still have herpies.

   I injured my hip which is why I have thrust issues.

   I don't like a sentence containing a word with first Capital letter in the middle of it. It has a clear bias.