Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Infertility doctors who miraculously make babies should be called VAGICIANS

   All you guys thinking of dressing as Tom Brady hold deflated balls this Halloween and thinking how original and funny it will be. Don't. It won't.

   Ladies, if you are wondering if the guy in line behind you is staring at your ass, ask yourself one question, "Do I have an ass?" If your answer is yes, then yes.

   Based on the speed and incline of the treadmil, the woman next to me at the gym broke up 2 weeks ago.

   Coffee is my favorite coworker,,

   If I'm ever being chased by a giraffe I'm gonna run into a place with low ceiling fans sorry giraffe but I gotta do what's best for me..

   I've accepted every email offer I've ever received. My junk is now 235 feet long.

   A badasss, is an idiot who survived.

   The more someone says, “you know,” the more I begin to feel better about myself.

   I love how my parents think that none of this is their fault.

   Jim of all trades was also versatile though not as well known.

   I do this move in bed called the "Karma Chameleon", where I come and go.

   I prefer to be on whichever side of the bed the sex is going to be on.

   I started to do dishes, and checked Facebook real quick, and that was two years ago.

   My new restaurant "Eat it or go to your room", makes you feel like a kid again!

   I polished my car and now I might go pleasure myself ... wax on/whacks off

   Just a reminder that no Canadian team has won the Stanley Cup since they force Nickleback on the world.

   Lasagna is a whol elot better once you realize its actually a noodle layer cake with meat filling and cheese frosting.

   Now that prom season is over parents can start focusing on what's important like graduation and their daughters next period.

   Looking for a job