Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   ATHEISM :The belief that there was nothing then something happened to nothing which magically exploded and then a bunch of everything magically rearranged itself for no reason what so ever into self replicating bits which gained conciousness to debate it.

   Exercise can add years to your life. For example, I just ran 2 miles and I now feel like I'm 82.

   *Grabs intercom at Chuck E Cheese* SOME OF YOU SHOULD HAVE PULLED OUT!!!!

   People that use iPhones are justa bunch of sheep that believe whatever Apple says. *Pulls into church parking lot*

   "Haha Good one snow.... Good one" *pulls snow aside and whispers* "Seriously dude, knock it off, you're ruining my life"

   If by "artist" you mean "good at drawing conclusions" then yes, I'm effing Picaso.

   I only want to be rich so I can be more carefree about throwing drinks in people's faces.

   Welcome to Adulthood Club.... does anyone remember signing up for this crap?

   Today is World Book Day.... or as today's generation calls it, "World What Day?"

   If I never get crushed by a falling piano and walk away looking like a human accordian then life will have been a complete waste.

   Chill with the snow pics folks. It's fcuking winter. It's supposed to be cold.

   My blood test came back "vodka".

   The symptoms of Ebola are sweating, weakness, diarrhoea & stomach pains. A kind of feeling that a husband gets when he sees his wife going through his phone ..

   I just seen a chicken cross the road. I'm not even going to question it. It's not like the chicken is going to answer me back. . .

   I don't mind the cold weather but I'm ready for my wife to start shaving her pubes again!

   Girl, are you an alarm clock? Because I'd totally hit it at least three times before I got out of bed.

   My ear buds are in.... yes, you are interrupting me.

   should we say 15 more days of WINTER or 15 more days until SPRING ?

   "Daddy, can we go to the park" *looks at 9% battery* "Nope"

   Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. :)