Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Thank GOD everyone agrees on what color traffic lights are!

   Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this bowl of cereal.

   A little help here... Preparing for my rap battle. So far I have "I'm rubber you're glue" and a touchdown endzone dance.

   [Astronomy class] The next star after our sun is Proxima Centauri, at 4.2 light-years away. [Silence] Or 12 CVS reciepts away. [Class] OHHHHHH

   I wonder how many people die each year from lifeguards running in slow motion?

   I wonder if every country has ninjas, but we only know about the Japanese ones because they suck at it?

   X says “B*tch don't kill my vibe” – me every time I see a post about that dress or the black coffee jokes.

   don't worry when you see your ex with someone else, because your parents taught you to give your old toys to the less fortunate

   Got an e-mail today from a “bored housewife 32, looking for some action!” I sent her my ironing, that’ll keep the b****h busy.

   Why is it parents these days are more afraid of gluten than they are of vaccinations?

   I'm so broke I can't even pay attention, buy time, or change my mind.

   Another dissapointing day getting to work and not finding a smoldering crater where the building used to stand.

   High heels are sexy, but only if you don't walk in them like you are a newborn foal.

   Heard a guy use the word 'bae' on the radio today and had to talk myself out of steering into oncoming traffic.

   I believe Harry Potter is real. My faith in Him is unwavering. I can prove his existence by quoting from a book. Stop ridiculing my faith!

   The only thing in Dora's backpack is a kilo of cocaine and a map to El Paso.

   The person who named the Whitehouse and the Pentagon probably named oranges too.

   In Hell, the Devil reads you Power Point presentations word for word.

   If you hold your ear up to a Reebok Crossfit you can hear the sound of a 26.2 sticker being peeled off and put on a minivan.

   I've finally decided to do something about my weight. Lie.