Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The chances of me letting you merge into traffic are inversely proportional to the number of douch bag bumper stickers you have on your car.

   My favoritte thing that the caption of my high school varsity football team ever said to me was, "Would you like paper or plastic?"

   If you ever see a "26.2" or "13.1" sticker on my truck window, report it stolen.

   I always keep a piece of paper with me incase someone tries to attack me with a rock.

   Its too bad I didn't win the Power Ball. I was really looking forward to buying three days of food from Whole Foods

   Do people on Facebook really believe someone when they tell them "your kid is so adorable"? Because they shouldn't. Ever.

   I'm never drinking again, again.

   The best part about being fat and old is that I'll never have to look back and see pictures of me in skinny jeans

   Do you think the bums with Target shopping carts look down on the bums with Walmart shopping carts?

   I'm at my most penguine when I'm trying to get from one bathroom to the next to get a roll of toilet paper.

   If restaraunt napkins ever become currency, my glove box will become Fort Knox.

   Surly not EVERYBODY was Kung-Foo fighting?

   Police Officer: 'TURN AROUND" Me: *sings* "Every now and then I get a little bit lonely and your're never coming round"

   I think Miley Cyrus is jsut using her pop career as a spring board to her career as a washed up has been.

   What if Jamie Lee Curtis is still in Lindsay Lohan's body and is ruining Lindsay's reputation and Lindsay is just eating Activia and pooping?

   ME: "Hi kitty" CAT: "Wanna see my butthole?" ME: "No thanks kitty" CAT: "Imma show you my butthole"

   The worst part about the end of February is having to take down all my Black History Month decorations

   Beam him up, Scotty. There is no more intelligent life down here.

   Dear Leonard Nimoy. As much as I hate to see you go, thanks for upstaging that stupid "Dress Color Controversy" thing on Facebook. It's black and blue, by the way.

   It's so sad that Leonard Nimoy didn't live long enough to find out what color that dress was.....