Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   "So it says here on your resume that you are a 'master debater'?" "Yeah, umm... well... that is a typo"

   Every Kiss may beging with "Kay", but Jarred ends with the "D"

   Who cares what color the dress is so long as its balled up on the floor of my bedroom.

   If you want my advice, don't take my advice.

   Had a dream I banged Ellen Degeneres.... or a dude that looked like her. Its a little foggy.

   I'm "keeps a pair of underwear in the glove box because I don't trust my farts anymore" years old.

   Miley Cyrus has been out of the news for a while, so you can knock it of now ISIS.

   "You know what would make this taste a whole lot better? Turkey bacon!" ~ No one, ever.

   [Spock]: “On my planet, “to rest” is to rest, to cease using energy. To me it is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass using energy instead of saving it.” - Rest now Spock

   “I’ve never understood the female capacity to avoid a direct answer to any question.” R.I.P. Mr. Spock

   Rest in peace Mr. Nimoy! You'll be missed =(

   For someone who can't put on a pair of panties without falling over, I sure do manage to get a lot done every day.

   Second star to the right and straight on 'tilll morning! Rip Spock!!

   Women are like Algebra equations. Whatever you do on one side, you have to do to the other.

   According to math, hindsite is 1

   I wonder if Long John Silver was in it for the gold and glory or to have underwear and a crappy restaraunt named after him?

   I love that video where Justin Bieber swings back and forth on a wrecking ball in his panties.

   Its wierd how acceptable it is to put your genitals in someone else's mouth.

   I hope my Members Only jacket looks as good as Madonna does when its 80.

   Nobody thought to inject the blood of Benedict Cumberbatch to save Leonard Nimoy? Perhaps this is why I'm not a doctor...