Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   If the internet was a game show, we'd all be in Japan and have jumper cables clipped to our nuts

   Chicken pot pie sounds like a great idea if you add commas.

   Its so cold outside I might even post about it on Facebook

   When picking up hookers, you never know what you will get. All you can do is hope for the breast and prepare for the wurst.

   Now showing exclusively in San Francisco, Santa Monica, Chelsea and Key West. 50 shades of g ay.

   I don't get how people get eaten by sharks....I mean how do they not hear the music?

   So where do I go to trade my husband in for 6 cats?

   Imagine me naked. Wrong. Fatter.

   WELL WELL WELL, if it isn't the family whose house I've broken into

   They only way I'd watch 50 Shades of Grey is if the guy tied up the garbage bag and dominated the dishes.

   “Check under the hood, dumbass.” – The Clitoris

   My salt shaker has been clogged for two years, so don't come to me with your issues.

   CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he's called "beautiful" on Facebook today.

   And as I opened the box it dawned on me. It wasn't the hamburger that needed help, it was me...

   Next time I see a car with like, 90 stick children on it,I am taping a condom to the window.

   Anyone who invites me to play one of those letter games will get the letters F and U.

   Since I get so much crap in the mail, I have decided to make my mailbox the trash can.........

   Million Dollar Idea: An inner-city 24 hour breakfast restaurant named "Malcolm Eggs"

   Experts think the Oscar for best picture will go to Boyhood or Bird-man. Kanye West thinks it will go to Beyoncé.

   50 Shades of Laze - My weekend plans