Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   In dog beers, I've only had 1

   What do you mean, "I need space". Are you okay? Do you need me to come over there and give you some space?

   I am Dad!!! Hear me sigh loudly as I turn off every light in the house. Again.

   I told my boyfriend he needs professional help. He hired a prostitute.... well played.

   congratulations to Brian Williams on winning the Powerball

   Stop complaining about being single on Valentine's Day. We have bigger problems in this world. Like why McDonald's doesn't serve breakfast after 10.30

   if my girl drops $50 while we're walking, then it's her lucky day because I'm picking it up and i'm going to be a great boyfriend and buy her lunch.....

   I don’t care how high you set the bar as long as I can reach my drink.

   NBC has suspended Brian Williams for six months without pay. Williams said he's not worried because soon his veterans benefits will kick in.

   My future wife is probably lying in bed right now texting her man about how they’re gonna be together forever. I think not, see you in five years sweetheart

   Omg!!! She said YES!!!! Best Valentine's Day ever!!! Can't believe it!!! She agreed to just order pizza & watch TV on 14th February!!!

   Kanye is not TOTALLY useless, he did raise Beck awareness. That is a good thing

   Only 11 minutes of Shade? Save money and go rent Basic Instinct with Sharon Stone instead!

   You know you are at a 50 shades of grey movie when instead of handing out 3d glasses they hand out condoms

   Maybe we could get Obama to take ISIS seriously if we convince him they are behind global warming?

   Sex with a balloon animal artist goes down hill pretty quick after he gets the condom on.

   "I'd hit that" ~ Old people that drive.

   This whole Brian Williams things is a great reminder that it never pays to lie. Sent from my Galaxy S7

   Women suck at buying gifts for their man because they spend 95% of their time shopping for themselves.

   Girl rule. A girl will only compliment another girl that is uglier than they are.