Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Hey look, a pay phone!!!!! *adds 'archeologist' to resume*

   My 4 year old refers to the solar system as, "God's Balls". Google THAT science....

   FOR THOSE ABOUT TO ROCK!!!!!!!! consider paper, or scissors if the second throw.

   I'd tell you to go to Hell, but that just means I'd have to see you again.

   Can we just stop inventing new stuff until we can figure out how to put a GOD DAMNED 'LOCATE MY REMOTE' button on the cable box?

   Its probably safe to just start calling him "LL J"

   Did Kanye really just tell a dude who can play like 14 instruments that he should give his Grammy to a woman who needs 4 writers for one song?

   The grammy aint for b lacks. You got BET and Soul Train Awards.

   Went gluten free recently and I'm proud to say that after only 2 weeks, I'm already down 15 friends.

   Career goal: Being successful enough to add bacon to my burger without asking how much more it costs.

   Hey Victoria's Secret, I like to keep my panty selection private so if your cashiers wouldn't hold them up like Simba when folding them, that'd be great.

   "This just doesn't feel right" - me outside

   All I'm saying is that Schwarzenegger isn't the only one who woke up naked next to a dumpster in 1984.

   According to this profuse bleeding from the roof of my mouth, I should have stopped at one bowl of Captain Crunch.

   Not to brag, but I still owe Blockbuster $2.00 for not rewinding Weekend at Bernies.

   My new girlfiend is taking FOREVER to exist.

   Not many people take kindly to me. I really like those kinds of people.

   I'm a real stand up guy, just so long as you are a real bend over girl.

   I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one.

   To the guy who named Meatloaf, thanks for all your hard work.