Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A guy goes into the doctor's office with a duck on his head. The doctor says "Can I help you?" The duck says "Yeah, can you get this guy off my ass?"

   Happy Canada Day! Time to get drunk eh?!?!

   Fart along if you feel like you really gotta poop, because I'm gassy. Pharell Williams looking for a toilet.

   According to his wife, Rolf Harris has been painting since the day of his arrest - his cell is going to look lovely! Hope you rot in hell Rolf...

   Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.

   Happiness in not seeing your enemy's face.

   Did you hear that? That was the sound of soccer being irrelevant in the US for another 4 years..

   one of my aunts called me #oomf on facebook so naturally I blocked her

   Personally, I think failure should be an option

   I'm going to have a salad for dinner. And by that I mean a bowl of ranch dressing and a beer.

   I just got stuck in my office chair, and now I'm breathing into a paper bag..

   "Yes, I need to check in." "Sir, this is a burn unit." "Yeah, I got hit hard with a battle of the bulge joke about a month ago, and I still have no comeback."

   Barack Obama walks into a bar with a duck on his head. The bartender says where did you get that. The duck replied "Kenya"

   here comes the brainless jihadists who have sold their brains for virgins

   Bad luck last night USA, never mind, you'll do better in the American Football World Cup - oh, wait.......

   Dogs are tough. I’ve been interrogating this one for hours and he still won’t tell me who is a good boy

   Happy Hump Day! Hemp. Darn auto correct.

   I am just here spooning my girlfriend out of her container. Eating Ice cream

   [at job interview] "As I explained to everyone in the lobby, if I get the job, I'll buy pants. It's simple."

   For invisible powers that actually work maybe churches should consider installing wifi.