Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   A MILF is a sexy ass mum over 35. If you're 18, you're just an idiot with a baby.

   If the devil can't defeat me, cancer doesn't stand a chance in hell

   Brooklyn signs openly gay Collins to NBA contract. Maybe he'll play in Fish(Nets)!

   I wish that Toyota girl would go places.

   I'm "talking in your voicemail as if you could hear it like an answering machine" years old.

   I've started this new bacon free diet today. So if the bacon is free, I'll eat it

   Why is it that the most interesting things in life usually aren't in our best interest?

   Some woman just sent this to me: XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXO' I was confused by the apostrophe, but then it dawned on me. It must mean she's possessive.

   Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.

   I love You Tube. You can look up everthing. It's Google the Movie musical

   Technically, there is a lot of food in this house. However, none of it is sweet or microwavable. There isn't food in the house.

   Oh Canada...Our Bars open at 6 AM!!!!

   Xbox has been my girlfriend for awhile, I think it's time we see other people...

   That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! - no one ever

   Robin Thicke and Paula Patton are getting a divorce. I guess what rhymes with hug me is alimony

   I wonder if the lady that takes your drivers license picture at the DMV takes selfies when no one is watching...

   I like my coffee how I like myself. Dark, bitter, and too hot for you.

   I crossbred a squirrel with a spider. It craws up your leg and eats your nuts.

   "No fair! You cleaned the bathrooms last time! It's my turn!" said no one ever

   Vacation to Hawaii? Meh. Paris? No thanks. Venice? I'll pass. Back in time to being 7 years old on a Saturday? YES, PLEASE!!