Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My ex posted a pic captioned, "Just me" and I commented, "Yes just you and your 7 personalities" Now I am deleted and blocked.

   That's great and all. But the question is, can you hold that yoga pose while I'm inside you?

   Hey guys if your girlfriend still has pics of her ex on there Facebook Your doomed they have not moved on

   I'm 28 years old, but in marriage years, I'm dead on the inside.

   Of course I act my age. I'm old enough to buy alcohol, tobacco and fire arms.

   I'd insult your intelligence if you had any. Sadly, your stupidity has no boundaries.

   Every time my kids ask for help with their math homework, I play dead

   Went a week without taking a selfie. Where's my Medal of Honor, Obama?

   The new breakup line: "It's not you. It's your timeline."

   We have so much in common, you want to travel, I want you to go.

   I'll wait for you at the finish line, I'm taking a cab.

   This bottle of Jack Daniels and I are gonna need a do not disturb sign and a safe word tonight.

   I decided to become a vegetarian once but gave it up when I realized pork isn't a vegetable...

   Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms should be a convenience store; not a government agency.

   I don't play hard to get I play get away from me you creep.

   I think ppl should make New Years resolutions for NO MORE SELFIES IN BATHROOMS......Seriously.....you and your toilet are not sexy......

   I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you.

   If you're in a relationship. I don't know why you feel the need to upload 10 selfies a day. Look at your boyfriend instead of a camera . You attention seeking hoe

   I wrap all my Christmas gifts in bubble wrap.....it's like giving two gifts in one!

   Ladies no amount of alcohol should ever make you go barefoot in the club. You are not Wilma Flintstone