Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Parrot kept me up til three in the morning. He had a case of the hiccups. Finally figured out he was just imitating my hiccups from earlier.

   I assume guys who wear their phones on the hip do so because their pockets are stuffed to the brim with condoms and girls phone numbers

   Nothing says MISTAKEN quite like following me on Twitter and expecting me to tweet bible verses or inspirational tweets.

   Normal is overrated. I will see your crazy and raise you demented.

   Thought someone was following me around all day but it was just the sound of my thighs rubbing together.

   I'm a big fan of anyone who doesn't find me annoying.

   I just want to be with someone who isn't crazy but unfortunately I'm only attracted to women.

   My girlfriend was upset that she's still not pregnant but I told her to hang in there & keep swallowing & sooner or later it’s gonna happen.

   You call them ‘naps’ but I prefer to call them ‘alcohol-induced aftershocks'

   New Rule: If it fits in a handbag it's not a dog

   Never fake your own death to get out of a relationship with a necropheliac.

   Don't expect me not to hopscotch all over your house if you have fancy tiles.

   Friends come and go but enemies accumulate.

   A buffalo was talking on his cell phone. He ends the conversation by saying "Yeah, well hey, I have to cut this short. These roaming charges are killing me."

   I have seen your ex so don't act like I am not an upgrade.

   "Sir your phone's ringing." "Yeah, phones do that."

   There are way too many people in this relationship.

   My neighbour's cat just menacingly hissed at me for stroking it. Now I finally know how married men feel.

   Sucks when you want someone but can't have them cuz someone else has them but if they wanted you, they wouldn't be with that someone.

   Love is like the sweetest, most delicious gourmet cupcake laced with arsenic.