Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   The police are taking me downtown for an interview and I didn't even apply for the job.

   I learned about life from 'Adventures In Babysitting.' The city is full of freaks and as long as your hair is fabulous you will not die

   Confuse people who bring hotel breakfast to you in bed by exclaiming, "You shouldn't have! Did the children help?"

   if you have painful gas in your stomach, lay on your back and lift your left knee to your chest. You'll fart it right out.

   I was so confused as a kid, my parents said "Don't take candy from strangers". Then on Halloween they sent me to random strangers door for candy.WTH was that about?

   you know somethings wrong in this culture when a math teacher makes $30,000 a year and Kanye can rent the AT&T stadium and propose to Kim with a 15 carat diamond and all he sings is crap music

   Would you like a table?" "No not at all, I came to the restaurant to eat on the ground. Carpet for 5 please"

   Every time I make plans to eat better I can hear my stomach laughing

   The girl I like said yes! She wants to marry me! It's like this gun I'm pointing to her face is magical.

   A TV show where it's just a bunch of really fat people, seated & trying to get their phones out of the front pockets of their jeans.

   You can’t claim you eat ass yet skip the first slice of bread. It doesn’t work like that.

   What if Jesus was real and not really from heaven but a man from the distant future and the people considered his technology as miracles?

   Breaking News: Verizon has been called in to engineer the electricals.

   I'm pretty sure Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger are slowly melting together into one person

   WAl Mart needs to teach those 7 year kids in China how to make better products

   If we eat, we die. If we don't eat, we die. I choose death by chocolate....

   I am really glad the shutdown is over. I'll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.

   Sylvester Stallone and his buddy Arnold Schwarzenegger have teamed up, and they've got a blockbuster action movie opening this weekend. They're a little older now than they use to be, but go see the movie. It's called "Escape From Assisted Living."

   It is a different kind of quiet when you go from talking to someone everyday to nothing, even if they live in another city.....

   It all went to hell when attacking what we hate became more important than defending what we love.