Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   I can't wait for Taylor Swift to break up with a black guy, so she can write a rap album!

   Things ain't nobody got time for: That

   I hate it when I meow at cats and they don't meow back. unbelievably rude."

   I dont know what came over me! I felt so confident speaking Spanish today! AND TO MY SURPRISE, no f#cking one understood me. Shoking...

   me and the mrs and our daughter are having a competition in self control, Weve just unrapped the new t.v. and put the bubble wrap in the corner of the room. Its like the final scene in the good the bad and the ugly, i'm going to break first I think.

   Quitting Facebook is the adult way of running away from home. Everyone knows you are just doing it for attention and everyone knows you will be back.

   Just sprayed a fly with Axe body spray. He’ll live, but he won’t get laid.

   I followed my heart and it lead me to you.

   The main thing I learned from watching my wife carve pumpkins is she’s really good at stabbing things. I should probably be nicer to her.

   I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life.

   Interviewer: Why should you work here? Waiter: I believe I am capable of bringing a lot to the table. Interviewer: Can you start Monday?

   dude-having 14 keys hanging from a belt ring is not a good look, When was the last time you heard, "God, Schneider is a fox" Never. You're welcom

   It's Sunday and that only means I want Chic Fil A

   PSA-When in a waiting room here are a couple of pointers: no one wants to hear you convo about getting the 'cream' for your itch and 2. turn your ringer DOWN, we don't want to hear 'your baby got back' ringtone.

   Wife: What are you going to do today? Me: Nothing. Wife: But you did nothing all day yesterday. Me: Yes, but I'm not finished.

   It's official. Yahoo Answers has surpassed the US Government as the all time record holder in not being able to accurately answer a simple question.

   If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, stalk them.

   I swear girls these days. Some of them wake up with a higher sperm count than the men

   Calm down cashier clerk, it's just a 5 dollar bill. No need to hold it up against the light and run your marker through it. I spend my counterfits on my drug dealer...

   BREAKING NEWS - House Speaker John Boehner announced that he will not stand in the way of a Senate resolution to end the government shutdown leaving millions of Americans asking, "When did the government shutdown?"