Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   There's a difference between kissing ass and ass kissing. One gets you ahead in life the other gets you nowhere.

   Bo Jackson takes 5 hour energy?? Well, let me rush out and buy some even tho it tastes like horse pee...

   Apple announced a new iPhone that doesn't work even better than the last iPhone didn't work!

   You bought an iPhone5C? Why no iPhone5A?

   To err is human. To arr is pirate.

   When you sleep naked after jerking off without washing up...make sure you don't put your thumb in your mouth.

   i have a bad moisture-induced glitter clump problem!

   If we could harness all the stupid f**ks in the world we'd become free of fossil fuels. . .

   In other news, Weiner is shriveling in the NY City mayoral race

   Autocorrect just changed "what are your plans" to "plants". Yes autocorrect, I'm curious if they're growing roses or tulips

   Did you guys hear about the Italian atheist? He doesn't believe in the God-father....

   Not gonna lie about the sexual tension between me and this double meat, bacon and extra cheese burger............. It is what it is.

   So, the iPhone 5s has a fingerprint reader. Sorry amputees......

   What happens when a community organizer plays with the big boys? Warmonger to Putin's toy in one day.

   Anthony Weiner came up short.

   Mess with telemarketers! Some aren't allowed to hang up, so answer the call, take a shower, have a snack, then say "no thanks."

   Blessed are those who are cracked, for they are the ones who let in the light!

   “Until death do us part” means we’re all single in heaven, right?

   If you get a call from a telemarketer, hand the phone to a three-year-old and tell him it's Santa Claus.

   The new iPhone will have a finger print scanner. Or, in other words, Apple is about to amass the largest database of biometric data in the world. I'm sure the people of NSA are dancing like little school girls right now.