Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   My buddy and me picked up a couple of cougars last night, or as I like to call it, sweating to the oldies!!

   When dancing with my demons, should I lead or follow?

   Rolling st-o-o-one...wanna see my picture on the cover? Tried to kill 5 thousand with my brother. Sto-o-one...A desperate attempt to seem relevant. By some Dimwit at the Rolling Stone!

   I just found an onion ring in my French Fries! Best day ever! No wait, I think that's an ear...never mind.

   My wife married me because I have a heart of gold. Then she cut it out of me, hocked it and bought shoes.

   I have dirty thoughts every 3.14159265 seconds. I guess I’m pi-sexual.

   If UGGs made bras, would they be called JUGGs?

   I think I'll get a pet Boa Constrictor. It should be real cheap to feed him what with all the free kittens on Craigslist.

   Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberries, rub one ball and everything moves.

   "Jesus loves you" is a nice thing to hear in a church, but a terrifying thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

   My wife said she is losing her mind. I said "I'm not surprised. You've been giving me a piece of it every day for the past 25 years." Actually, sleeping on the couch with the dog is not so bad. It sort of reminds me of camping out.

   When Kanye West dies, I hope he donates his ego to science.

   That guy just told his girlfriend, "But, I didn't do anything."......Lmao...... He's young. He'll learn.

   There is a thin line between 911 and 9/11.

   If I was Adam, the world would still have 2 people cause Eve would've friendzoned me :(

   Wouldn't it be cool if cell phones came with tasers?

   Hey douche, how about I chop off your hands so you can really make the most out of your bluetooth headset?

   I like to read magazines about parenting. That way, I can learn all the things my parents did wrong when they raised me, and I can go back to them and say "See? This is the reason I am like I am."

   My Smart Phone has more computing power than NASA did in 1969 and they went to the moon. All I do is play Angry Birds. Yes, I'm an underachiever.

   People with pierced nipples have no excuse for losing their car keys.