Funny Status Messages and Tweets

   Pepper spray and a restraining order just takes all of the romance out of the relationship.

   I hate exercising. I've decided that if I were meant to bend and touch my toes, I would have been born with boobs on my feet.

   If I'm guilty of anything it's loving you too much. Oh and indecent exposure...I suppose trespassing too.

   I'm not saying this insomnia is screwing me up, but I just waited 2 minutes for this stop sign to turn green.

   Mary had a little lamb. Then Mary saw a lamb chop recipe on Pinterest. Now Mary has a full stomach.

   In love, you either win someone's heart or lose your liver... !

   True love is giving your significant other a sip from your beer glass... a real f*cking small sip though... !

   On Facebook, someone posted that they have 90 days of pregnancy left. The 1st commenter said "When are you due?" This is why we are here...

   I always carry around a magnet in my pocket so I can find all the girls with clit rings easier.

   Whenever I feel hungry, I just log onto Facebook and like everyone's food pictures until I feel full.

   If Axel Rose don't say, "Down on your sha, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, knees." before getting a BJ... then he's not as cool as I thought he was.

   Let's face it... Seeing a cameltoe in leapord print tights at Walmart is probably the closest any of us will ever get to going on a safari...

   I was looking out the window when my wife asked what I was staring at. I mumbled, "Must be about 32C out there..." is that the temperature? she asked "No! the neighbor lady is sunbathing topless" I replied

   I know it's your Birthday and all but the Starbucks Gift Card thing ain't happening...

   The girls who say that what all guys want is sex are usually the ones who have only that to offer

   oh, your talking to me again? You must have just broken up with your boyfriend.

   only two people with the combined IQ of a salad bar would name a kid NorthWest

   my ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!

   It's Friday! That means just two more days until Monday.

   I didn't say you were stupid, I said that "i see a pole and body glitter in your future"